I know I’m not the only one, but I have a problem with suppressing my feelings and things that have happened to me. I tend to not get emotional (cry) about things because I’ve always seen being emotional is just something you shouldn’t do. Growing up I was never allowed to show or express how I’m feeling, especially feelings of anger, annoyance or disagreement. It was always do as I’m told even if I don’t like or agree with it. Imagine what that does to a young child.
Not being able to show emotions or express how you feel, can cause a person to internalize everything for fear of rejection or it being brushed off. My feelings were never warranted no matter the situation. I was just made to deal with it and keep it moving, and I’ve done that for as long as I can remember. It even carried over in to my romantic relationships.
I don’t talk about how I feel to anyone because many times it goes ignored or I’m made to feel like how I feel doesn’t matter. I am selfish and I will admit that I only think about myself, but who else is thinking about me? Many times you have to put yourself first before anyone because the only person that can take care of you is you.
Currently, I am reading this book called Yoga for Emotional Trauma: Meditations and Practices for Healing Pain and Suffering by Mary and Rick NurrieStearns. I am learning a lot about compassion and using the compassion given by others, to give compassion to yourself. If no one else shows compassion towards you, you have to know how to show and give it to yourself.
As a child, they need the constant reminder that they are wanted and they are important. When you grow up with non affectionate parents, you tend to crave affection, any way that you can get it and it may not always be the best way to get it. Many find it through sex, staying in toxic relationships, having kids, just anyway to have someone else want you in any kind of fashion.
Dealing with traumatic experiences is hard. I’ve even tried counseling and it didn’t work. For me, it wasn’t just a traumatic experience that has made me emotionally unstable and an affection feign, it has to do a lot with not getting the kind of parenting as a child that a child should get.
I’ve never felt wanted, needed, loved, like I was enough and I still feel that way. I feel I no matter what I do, no one will be proud of my accomplishments and no man will truly love me for me and all of my flaws. I cried yesterday for two hours straight. Each day gets harder and harder but I am learning to live with things. I do have someone to talk to who also understands some of my experiences and where I am coming from emotionally.
Until next time.