I tend to talk to myself a lot and not in a way that sounds like I am talking to another person. It’s more like self talks, like hashing it out with myself and telling myself I need to get my shit together. I did something last night that I have not done in a long time: I went to church. It was pretty good. The church that I attend, the pastor is more of a motivational speaker than a preacher. He talks about how to make changes in our lives that will better help us succeed.
When he began the message, enemies within, I knew for a fact that he was going to be talking to me, indirectly of course. Many times when I attend church, the message is somehow always indirectly geared towards me. You know how someone says something to you in the exact moment that you need to hear it? That’s what going to that church is like. So he talked about the five enemies within: fear, indecision, doubt, worry and over-caution. Let me explain.
I am always afraid to take a leap of faith, mainly because I am afraid that I will fail. I am afraid of failure. A lot of times that is what holds me back from such great opportunities. I missed so many chances to walk through wide open doors because I was afraid that I would not be good enough. I was scared that if given the opportunity, I would somehow mess it up. I have let fear run my life for many years.
When it comes to decisions, I am pretty good when it comes to some things. I am one of those people though who goes to a restaurant and doesn’t know what to order and wants the waiter to come back to me. Some decisions I just cant make. When it comes to huge things, you wouldn’t even know that I was a libra. Libras a very decisive in all situations. Well, I am not. I have a hard time even picking out my clothes. When friends ask me to hangout, I typically somehow talk myself out of going based on not being able to decide. Now when it comes to life decisions, I’m on the fence. I don’t know what I want to do career wise and I don’t even know how to go about making that decision. I don’t know where I want to live, I don’t know where I want my online presence to go, I just can’t decide.
This is one of the big ones. I doubt myself on a lot of things. I’ve turned down jobs and sometimes never even apply for a job that I don’t think I would be good at. I doubt myself when it comes to relationships, on whether or not I would make a good girlfriend or even a wife someday. I doubt what I can offer to a relationship. I doubt my family and friends, that their intentions are really for the best for me. I doubt the people in the next lane on the freeway of whether or nor they will cut my off or get over in my line while I’m right next to them. I have a lot of doubt outside and within myself.
I am the definition of a worry wart. Things I am worried about at this very moment: this post being viewed, will I make it to my next paycheck, will I make it through the summer with just one job, will I ever move out of my mom’s house, will a man ever love me enough to marry me, will I ever get out of debt, will my car last me until I can get a new one or enough money to fix it, will I have the career of my dreams, will I live in a tiny house, will I ever travel, will I ever get over my fears, indecisions and self doubt. As you can see, I worry about a lot of things, many of which are out of my control. Worrying gets me nowhere but sick.
I tend to not put myself in situations like being in an overcrowded room because too many people give me anxiety. I tend to not put myself out there so that I won’t be rejected, even if there is a possibility that I won’t. I make sure to not get in situations that can be potentially good for me because I sometimes feel people have a hidden agenda. It’s like I have a wall up and I don’t want to get over it. I am very cautious about people that I let close to me, even if they have the best intentions. I never know anyone’s motives for being nice to me, so I tend to distance myself from “too nice” people.
To wrap this up, you can see that I have a lot of enemies within that are keeping me from being my greatest. I will be doing a lot more meditating and praying to release these enemies and bad vibes.